Who Plays Jersey in 2014?

• By JASON GAY

Madonna is playing the halftime show of Super Bowl XLVI Sunday and it's hilarious to hear people whine about this, as if Madonna is going to singlehandedly emasculate professional football in the space of 10 high-heeled minutes. Sorry the NFL won't hire .38 Special to wear hunting camouflage and play in the back of a rusty pickup and give you an appropriately red-blooded halftime thunderclap. But Madonna is a global star, has at least a half-dozen songs everyone knows, and don't pretend you're not going to watch her, because you are. You're even going to hum along to "Holiday." See, you're already doing it. All I had to do was say "Holiday."

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Bon Jovi

But the NFL is running out of suitable geezers for this gig. After the Janet Jackson bosom mishegoss, the NFL got scared of hiring young people, because all young people want to do is take off their clothes, and if you watch television, you know the last thing you ever see on TV is young people taking off their clothes. But after Madonna and the Who and Tom Petty and U2 and Paul McCartney there aren't a lot of graying icons left. Either we have to wait for The Bieber to pass 30 or Roger Goodell is going to have to start widening the net. The Eagles could work. Van Halen, maybe. Fleetwood Mac could be great but they may break up nine times before the show. Zeppelin's never going to do it, sorry. Metallica? Awesome but harsh. You could try and get Pink Floyd to reunite, but, well, yeah. Let's just say you have to pass through a lot of security to get to a Super Bowl and watching Pink Floyd is not as mesmerizing while under the spell of a hot pretzel.
But there is a perfect Super Bowl halftime act out there, and there's a fantastic opening for them down the road, two years from now. New Orleans has next season's Super Bowl, and nobody should tell New Orleans how to book music. They'll handle it. I'm talking about the 2014 Super Bowl: the first ever New York/New Jersey SB, in the Meadowlands, at MetLife Stadium, or whatever they call that fancy doggy dish now. Who should play the New York/New Jersey Super Bowl?
I can already hear you saying "Springsteen." And The Boss would be a legendary, total bullseye; I've said it before. But Springsteen already played a Super Bowl, in 2009, and while he did an excellent job, he appeared to be a little freaked out by the shiny, corporate extravaganza, and it seems unlikely he'd hurry to do another, even in his backyard. Lady Gaga is the biggest pop sensation in the world and a New Yorker, but if you think the L-7 NFL is going to let the unpredictable Gaga within 400 miles of a microphone at the Meadowlands, you are nuts. Billy Joel will get consideration, as will Jay-Z. There's never been a hip-hop halftime headliner, which seems pretty tin-eared and ridiculous. There's always the chance Mr. Carter would bring his wife, and everyone loves Mrs. Carter.

But there is really only one act that totally, utterly makes sense for a high-profile Super Bowl that—let's face it—takes place not in Manhattan, but in the swamp grass and Turnpike exhaust of Jersey. There's one band out there that's synonymous with everything wonderful about that place, that the mere mention of its name brings a pungent, sense-memory whiff of hair spray, Camel Lights and fried dough on the Shore. It's a band that sounds just as good coming out of the plastic speakers of a Camaro as it does from a white limousine, that composed epic anthems which are still screamed at every wedding and prom night from Cape May to Bayonne:
Bon Jovi.
I'm just going to let it settle there, because it's so right and you know it.
Bon Freaking Jovi.
Think about it. It's inarguable. Bon Jovi is a massive Jersey band, with a career that spans decades, and more than 125 million albums sold. They remain one of the biggest touring acts on the planet, up there with U2 and the Stones, and won't shrink with SB pressure—they know how to play a stadium. They actually christened the new Meadowlands joint in the spring of 2010. They're not going to embarrass the league—they've had their fun, but they're a bunch of middle-aged dads.
As far as songs, I'd say break out the acid-washed war horses: "Living on a Prayer," "Wanted Dead or Alive," "You Give Love a Bad Name." Bon Jovi continues to record, but these guys have been to the rodeo. They know how to give the people what they want. They will say yes. They can drive themselves to the show. And they won't complain about the February cold.
Meanwhile, Jon Bon Jovi is a mega football fan—he's tight with Patriots owner Bob Kraft and team Kenobi Bill Belichick, and he was once an owner of the Arena League's Philadelphia Soul. More important, he is alive. Last December, an inane Internet hoax surfaced that the 49-year-old lead singer had passed away. The rumor didn't quit until Bon Jovi posted a smiling photo of himself standing next to a Christmas tree with a handwritten sign that read:
HEAVEN LOOKS A LOT LIKE NEW JERSEY
Two years ago, the NFL decided to take a risk and give the Garden State a winter Super Bowl, and as a certain famous song goes, whooah, we're halfway there. There's only one choice for XLVIII, and it's a no-brainer with fantastic hair. Bon Jovi. Tell Goodell to book it.